Church Admits Heretics Were Right

What do an obscure 12th century heresy, hadrons, horticulture, and extraterrestrials have in common?  They are all the subject of this week’s Anonymous Wizard Update.

NEWS FLASH. The church, as in, the big-C Church, and I think you know what church I mean, admitted today in a press release that a group of 12th century heretics who had almost been wiped out by the Inquisition, were right after all.  They had claimed that “Jesus was a sinner, too.”  A spokesman for the Church said today that the Pope and Cardinals at the time were wrong about this crucial theological question.  The official papal view in the 12th century, which persisted until this week, was that Jesus somehow managed to retain his status as a perfectly divine being while incarnated on the planet Earth among, quite frankly, a lot of smelly, ugly sinners.  The adherents of the so-called “Mitrian Heresy” granted that Jesus was an incarnation of God, but held that he did not retain his full divinity while he was incarnated on the planet.  You might say that God experienced “the Fall” for himself when he incarnated as Jesus.  In other words, the Church admitted that Jesus wasn’t any different than any of the rest of us.  “We are all actually the Sons of Daughters of God,” the spokesman for the church said.

The Pope also noted that this meant as well that many psychic and healing powers that had been persecuted by the church were actually the expression of the divinity of Man and that the Church Leaders up until the present day were all the false prophets warned of in Revelation, and of course, the Bible was the ultimate graven image referenced in the second commandment.  In fact, the Church admitted that it had spent most of Western Civilization in a futile exercise arguing about who was right about God and what happened thousands of years ago, rather than teaching people to better experience themselves as part of the divine in the present moment.  The Church also issued a short statement of apology, “We regret any inconvenience.”

MORE NEWS. Scientists today announced their findings from the latest ELHC (Even Larger Hadron Collider) experiment.  “We found the God particle,” they said.  When AnonymousWizard asked about the spiritual significance of this remarkable finding, the spokesman for the particle collider giant replied, “Actually, we’re all atheists, we don’t give a flying flamingo about God.  I haven’t been to Mass in years.  However, we found that the mass of this amazing particle is 13.87 TeV.”   While to us it seemed equally dense to determine the mass of the God particle or attend the Mass of God, we were advised not to say that at high volume.  When asked to comment, wizards and seers say they plan to resume their own efforts to find the elusive particle.

An excellent practice for an aspiring wizard is to develop a horticultural education.  By which we mean, learn everything you possibly can about plants.  For example, take today’s plant of the day: Hazel.  It produces nuts, eaten by squirrels and Stellar’s jays.  You can make Hazelnut milk quite easily from the nuts simply by grinding them fresh in a blender with water.  It’s also useful for coppicing.  It can be propagated by layering.  A very useful plant, a must in every wizard’s garden.


A priest, a scientist, a philosopher, a cosmologist, and and a wizard were taken aboard an alien spacecraft repeatedly for many years, and once they had learned to receive the alien’s telepathic communication, they were all brought together onto the mother ship to a machine that the aliens said was their most advanced computer system.  Its brilliant diamond screen responded to words spoken inside the head.  They were each told that this was the only time they would ever be offered the chance to query the database of their entire advanced civilization, as these highly evolved beings were making their preparations to return to their own galaxy.  They said, each individual could only ask one question.

The priest asked, “Who is God?”

“I am that I am” was the reply.  The priest went away, disappointed, realizing that he had revealed his lack of faith in the answers from the Bible, and had learned nothing but what he should already have known.

The scientist asked, “How did your ship come so far to the Earth from another star system?”

The virtual encyclopedia explained that the theory of quantum tunneling allowed them to jump here in a single instant, and explained that there was actually always an infinite amount of energy in every point in space, and manifest reality is created anew in each moment by pure consciousness, and that his fundamental mistake was to put matter before mind, when in truth, mind held primacy over matter, and that all of time and consciousness was an eternal everchanging now, and there were no firm rules, only strong suggestions.

He went away disappointed, amazed that supposedly advanced alien beings still retained such outdated superstitions.

Then the philosopher asked it the Cretan liar paradox, a trick he had learned from watching Star Trek.  The amazing machine replied with copious information about the history of the paradox in their civilization.

The philosopher went away disappointed, having received a lot of information about such a minor aspect of the the strange beings’ society.

The cosmologist asked, “How will the universe end?”

The machine spun and whirred.  And finally replied.  “The only way to test the question would be to build a computer that can fully calculate all the details of every moment of time.  Such a computer would be identical to the universe itself, so we do not have any way to answer the question other than to continue to participate in the unfoldment as we are all now doing.”

The cosmologist went away disappointed, realizing that he had asked such a difficult question that no computer, even that of an advanced civilization, could answer.

The wizard approached the machine and gave it a good kick in the side.  The machine flashed and sparked, and a trail of smoke came out of the back.  Although the screen flickered, the machine did not fail.

The wizard paused to consider her one question carefully.  Finally she said, “Is our future predetermined or do we have free will?”

The computer started whirring and spinning even faster and more furiously than before.  Smoke and sparks emerged from every panel and crack.  The machine started to say “In order of most free will to least, you–”  But just as it was about to continue, the aliens, obviously disturbed, moved to block the human’s view of the screen and switched off the computer’s power.  They said “This meeting is terminated.  You will be returned to the Earth.”

Everything was quiet for a period of several weeks, but just after that, a massive wave of higher consciousness passed through the human race, and all human beings instantly became self-realized Godlike beings, each experiencing themselves as universes containing All That Is, capable of transforming themselves and their reality at the slightest thought.  Life really became heaven on Earth.  As it turned out, the wizard was the only one who was not surprised at this turn of events, and when they had all met up with each other again, the others asked the wizard what had happened

“Easy. Their computer revealed the one thing that was supposed to be remain hidden, because they forgot to program it to keep the crucial secret.  Their double-blind study on the mechanics of free will that is the human experience was cancelled because their computer, by starting to reveal information to their test subjects and to themselves about the subject of their study, contaminated the strict protocols for their research, so there was no longer any reason to maintain the veil that separates us from our true selves.”

The priest was appalled.  “You interfered with God’s plan with your meddling!  I can’t abide that sin, so I’m going back to the way things were.”  And so he gave up the gift of free will, and returned to the hell of human reality as he had been experiencing it.

The scientist was also mortified.  “You upset an experiment that has lasted the length of the universe on a whim!” And so, to try to restore the damage, he returned to the experiment of human reality as it had been.

The philosopher was deeply troubled.  “You have broken the paradox.  I cannot accept that the imponderable questions of human existence are answered.  I must return to the struggle.”  And so he also returned to the trance of forgetfulness and became a limited human being again as he had previously been.

The cosmologist, however, was thrilled.  For he had an answer to his question about how the universe will end.  He knew it would end when he chose it to end.  Feeling satisfied, he returned to human life as it had been.

 The aliens later came down to see the wizard and thanked her, saying into her mind, “We learned more about human free will in ten minutes than we had in the previous million doing that stupid research study, waiting for evidence of free will.”  The strange beings seemed satisfied.  “Now then, the others have chosen.  What is your will?”

The wizard sighed and took her last breath of the air of freedom, holding it within herself to remind her of her true self.  But then at long last, she, too, prepared herself to plunge into the darkness of human reality once more…  “Well, wish me luck, here we go again.”


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